DailyAfirmation (dailyafirmation) wrote,

Colonoscopy consultation...

At lunchtime, I went to the B500 Cafeteria to hear Sam M-B sing You've Lost That Loving Feeling as part of IBM's 40th Anniversary Celebration of its site in the Research Triangle Park. Sam was a hit, and in fact, won the Karaoke Contest.

I went to my 2:15 Colonoscopy Consultation with Dr. Chander at North Raleigh Gastroenterology. I think it's kind of funny that there is a review of a doctor, and that it starts off with, "If you need a colon exam, Dr. Chander is the man!"

Dr. Chander came highly recommended to me by my GP, Amy Hird, PA. at Imperial Center Family Medicine.

I found Dr. Chander to be very engaging, as well as very professional. He was easy to talk to, explained what to expect of the procedure, and considered my desired "level of participation" in the procedure. That is, when I mentioned that I wouldn't mind "watching" as much as I could, he made a note in my chart to "go light on the sedatives."

I also told the doc that I'm an avid blogger, and that I'd love to have some nice colon shots to put in my blog entry for that day.

He said, "Well, I'll be sure and take some good angles and stuff - get some real good shots."

"Yeah, well don't spend any extra time in there trying to win some photography awards," I said.

I collected my, what I've come to think of as my, butt box on the way out. Its contents include:
  • 2 boxes of 1.5 oz. Fleet Phospho-Soda

  • 3 Bisacodyl tablets

  • 4 Personal Cloth Wipes (Pre-moistened, Medicated Hemorrhoidal Wipe: Comforts, Soothes, Cools)
Now if this doesn't sound like a total party, I don't know what does. The phrases in red, were not, of course, included in the instructions. They are my smart-ass (no pun intended) remarks.

Patient Preparation for Colonoscopy

Bowel Preparation [Strictly from a technical writing perspective, it's not good practice to have a heading if there's only one section. The only possible advantage to doing it in this situation is that it prevented the writer from naming the instruction sheet, "Bowel Preparation for Colonoscopy," though, in reality, that's what this is.]

  1. The day before your exam: Eat a liquid breakfast, lunch and dinner. For example: yogurt Jell-O, milk shake, Boost or Ensure. Any broth is okay, including chicken broth, beef bouillon, cream of mushroom, or noodle soup. [Good thing the examples were provided, because my idea of a liquid breakfast, lunch, or dinner was bourbon and Diet Cokes.]

  2. Mix 1.5 oz. of chilled Fleet Phospho-Soda with 4 oz. water and drink at 6 PM the evening before your exam. You can make the solution taste better by adding artificially sweetened flavorings (Ginger ale, Apple juice, lemon/lime juice, Kool-Aid, white grape juice, or Crystal-Light, for example, but nothing purple. [Translation: This stuff will taste like the shit you are trying to clean out.]
    Note: Fleet Phospho-Soda will clean your colon out ["Clean your colon out" contains a split infinitive; it should be "clean out your colon."]; you will have numerous bowel movements after taking it. [In other words, rethink your Wednesday night out line dancing, lest you be doing the Boot Scootin' Trots to the bathroom all night.] Baby wipes or Tucks pads can be used to relieve rectal irritation. [Translation: Your ass will become raw.]

  3. Take two Bisacodyl (Correctol or Dulcolax) tablets at 7:30 PM. [Correctol: a laxative for women - and gay men. Sounds like the Lifetime Channel.]

  4. Drink three glasses of water or Gatorade before going to bed the night before your exam. [I'm already wondering what the minimum number of ounces is that can be considered "a glass."]

  5. Mix 1.5 oz. Fleet Phospho-Soda with 4 oz. water and drink it at least three hours (3:30 AM) before your arrival time. [Suddenly that 7 AM appointment time I accepted is not sounding so great.] Take one Bisacodyl tablet following the last dose of Phospho-Soda. [This must be the climax - a double shit-kicking dose.]
    Please note: If you cannot drink the entire solution, call our office to reschedule your procedure. [This is the least encouraging line in the whole piece. It's like warning someone not to cut the noose from around your neck just before you pass out.]

  6. Other than the Fleet Phospho-Soda the morning of your exam, do not drink or eat anything after midnight the night before your exam. [I hope, that once I've done all this, someone will turn to me and say, "You are so not full of shit."]
Please Note: No ibuprofen, Aleve, BC or Goodies Powder, Motrin, Vitamin E, herbal products, arthritis medications, Pletal, Trental, Plavix or Coumadin one week prior to your procedure.

You will be given medications for sedation and must have a ride home. For your safety, you cannot take a taxi home.

There will be a $20 administrative fee for procedures canceled or rescheduled with less than 7 days notice.

I took a two-hour nap from 7 - 9, and then met Joe and Eric (innoman) at Flex.

There was one guy who was the most excruciating singer of all time there. And, bless his heart, one of those people who have no clue how off key they are.

He was opening his arms, touching his heart, falling to his needs, singing like he was Cher herself. Similar... but different.

He absolutely mutilated Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying.

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