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May 24th, 2007

My teeth are so clean I can eat off them...

Two things: 1) Not sure why she has an apostrophe in "end's," so I removed it, and 2) don't read this if you're easily offended by religious sarcasm, parody, and satire.

The totally irreverent Betty Bowers on Jerry Falwell's death: All's Well that Ends Falwell.



This is so priceless (pun intended) to me:

Dear Prudence,

My ex and I divorced nearly 10 years ago; we have two children and share custody. We have both since remarried, and our relationship is very friendly. Now that our children are older and busy, family time is harder to find, so we've decided to share beach week this year.

He and his wife will take the first three days along with our two children and his stepdaughter. My husband and I will take the last four days. All the kids (his stepdaughter also) will stay for the entire week. He will pay for three days, and I will pay for four. If it were only our children going, that would be fine with me, but his stepdaughter will also be there, so I feel that he and his wife should pay for his stepdaughter's portion of the vacation.

I prorated the costs, having him pay for one of our children's time at the house, me paying for one of our children's time, and he and his wife paying for his stepdaughter's time. I also included a proration schedule for the adults so that he pays only for three days for himself and his wife, with me paying the remaining four days for me and my husband.

He thinks I'm nitpicking and we should not worry about the kids. Well, that's nice for his stepdaughter to get a free four-day beach vacation! How would you break down the pricing for this vacation?

—Wanting Fairness

Dear Wanting,

How would I break down the pricing? I'm having a breakdown just thinking about your spreadsheet.

What do you say to the stepdaughter at breakfast? "Caitlin, please, you've taken all the cream cheese the prorating allows."

Your ex is right, you are being ridiculously nit-picky (could this have been an issue in your marriage?). Be glad everyone gets along, make sure they all wash off their feet before coming into the house, and leave the proration schedules for the office.

—Prudie




I had an interesting second meeting with the Goldman Sachs financial counselor, and touched base with Nathan afterwards.



I had my six-month cleaning at the dentist today, where I discussed two things with Dr. Susan: braces and whitening. She gave me a referral to Dr. Hart, DDS, PA for orthodontics. I think I'm going to hold off on the whitening.

My regular hygienist, Leigh Ann, was running behind today, so Linda took me. She, as the others usually do, said, "You really do a good job with your teeth."

It always amazes me how this comment is followed by an ungodly amount of poking, digging, and scraping—and I mean serious scraping with that steel implement. I always think, "If this is what you get when you do 'such a good job with your teeth,' I wonder what in the hell you get when you don't."

After the enamel scraping, but before the application of toothpaste with that swirling implement that forces the gritty toothpaste between your teeth in anticipation of the flossing, she went all along my gum lines and did what felt like a little pin prick. Not that I know what it feels like to have prick in my mouth... but I digress...

I don't remember this being done in the past, and I said to her when she was done, "What was that little pricking you just did? It felt like you were sticking a pin in me all the way around my mouth."

"That's basically what I was doing," she replied. "I was checking for any diseased periodontal pockets [something like that]."

I said, "Well, it felt like a little gum massage all the way around."

"It did?" she asked, sounding surprised. I guess most people don't care for it, or that wouldn't be their choice of words to describe the feeling.

I don't know if anyone else is like this, but I absolutely love someone else flossing my teeth. It's such a treat.

As always, I left the dentist's office thinking, "My teeth are so clean, I could eat off them." [Ba-dump bump. I say this every six months, folks.]



I spent a couple of hours at Helios this afternoon, did a couple of loads of laundry once back home, and spoke with the AAA travel agent who was getting back to me on prices of consolidator flights between RDU and Sydney in October.

By the time we finished our conversation, she wasn't sure if the price for one round-trip ticket business class was $1,700 or $17,000.

When she said it might be 17 grand, I had to bite my tongue from saying, "ARE YOU HIGH, CLARICE?" but instead said, "Uhm, you're going to have to check on that and get back to me." That's quite a spread, and I'm not talking about your legs, Clarice.



My NC State Income Tax refund came today, also a check. Obviously, something was not right on my returns in terms of the election for direct deposit of my refunds. Oh well, money is money.



I went to Trailer Park Prize Night, and spoke mostly with Randy K. until the show started. Jackie O. Knight, who is always funny, emceed.

I actually took my phone into the bar, which I never do, and I received three phone calls while in there! WTF?

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